What does it mean to be me?

The movie [[Pleasantville]] resonated particularly well with me when I saw
it recently. It was a metaphore for some things that I’m going through
right now in my life. I’m trying to become “colorized” again, and trying
to preserve all the good things that I have in my life right now, while at
the same time recovering those things that used to be uniquely me.

##So who am I anyway

It’s hard when you look back and find that for a while you’ve been trying
so hard to fulfill other people’s expectations of what you should be that
you’ve lost yourself in the process. It’s not so much that you don’t like
what you see (being a good father/husband is good right?), but rather that
you don’t recognize yourself in the picture.

I think I was most comfortable with myself and knew myself best during my
last two years in college. But isn’t it always that way? Then, I was only
responsible for getting the grades that let me continue to pursue the
education I desired. There were no peer groups (cliques) like in high
school (I hated high school). There was no wife, no kids. The only
friends I made accepted me exactly as I was, or they didn’t become my
friends (it actually took a while for me to get enough confidence in myself
to have that kind of attitude, but that’s another story).

Once you’re out of college, have a real job and a life, all of a sudden you
start to bury the person you really are in order to move forward in your
life. The question is, is it possible to be the person you really are
inside and avoid adversely affecting the rest of your life?

##I’ve tried

I’ve spent quite a bit of the last several years trying to be the “good
husband” and “good father”. These are both sorts of people I admire a great
deal. I’ve done a passable job at both, but neither of those people is me.
The question is, is the person that is *me* also a good husband and
father? I think so. Only time will tell.