Nov 3 1998

The Struggle

What does it mean to be me?

The movie [[Pleasantville]] resonated particularly well with me when I saw
it recently. It was a metaphore for some things that I’m going through
right now in my life. I’m trying to become “colorized” again, and trying
to preserve all the good things that I have in my life right now, while at
the same time recovering those things that used to be uniquely me.

##So who am I anyway

It’s hard when you look back and find that for a while you’ve been trying
so hard to fulfill other people’s expectations of what you should be that
you’ve lost yourself in the process. It’s not so much that you don’t like
what you see (being a good father/husband is good right?), but rather that
you don’t recognize yourself in the picture.

I think I was most comfortable with myself and knew myself best during my
last two years in college. But isn’t it always that way? Then, I was only
responsible for getting the grades that let me continue to pursue the
education I desired. There were no peer groups (cliques) like in high
school (I hated high school). There was no wife, no kids. The only
friends I made accepted me exactly as I was, or they didn’t become my
friends (it actually took a while for me to get enough confidence in myself
to have that kind of attitude, but that’s another story).

Once you’re out of college, have a real job and a life, all of a sudden you
start to bury the person you really are in order to move forward in your
life. The question is, is it possible to be the person you really are
inside and avoid adversely affecting the rest of your life?

##I’ve tried

I’ve spent quite a bit of the last several years trying to be the “good
husband” and “good father”. These are both sorts of people I admire a great
deal. I’ve done a passable job at both, but neither of those people is me.
The question is, is the person that is *me* also a good husband and
father? I think so. Only time will tell.

Nov 2 1998

Pleasantville

The static people in a 1950’s TV show start to really live for the first time.

##What is Paradise?

I remember back in college when I took an introductory
philosophy course we studied the nature of heaven. What would it be like.

Let’s say that heaven (as seen by a teenage boy at the beginning of the
movie) is a town called Pleasantville from a fictitious 1950’s TV show of
the same name. Everything is as it should be there. There’s no conflict,
parents love and respect their children. In short, everyone is happy all
the time.

But is this really the way it should be? Can you truly delight in your joy
if you never exprience sorrow?

##The allegory of the TV

The people in this movie are living in a “perfect” world. There’s no
crime. There’s no local disasters (the fire department doesn’t even know
how to deal with a fire. All they do is rescue cats from trees). All the
kids are nice to each other. All the people are fine upstanding citizens.

Then the two new kids arrive from the real world in 1998. Suddenly, the
people there start to see the world outside the TV show through books,
art, sex, etc.

##Ism’s suck

When it looks like it and smells like it, you call it what it is…
fascism.

*- Jim Garrison’s character in the movie JFK

Midway through the movie, the towne eldars decide that “colored” people are
bad. They start in institute local statues descriminating against coloreds
and encourage shop owners and people to do the same.

This is simply a beautiful comment on todays racist society, using the
same buzzwords to talk about descrimination, but in a way that makes it
obvious even to the stupid how stupid it really is!

Aug 19 1998

Proud to be an American

Just a short note.

Today I’m ashamed to be an American. Not because the President was
boinking an intern in the oval office. But because he didn’t have the guts
to apologize for his actions, and because he felt the need to attack
someone else for his own failings. He’s a gutless turd.

At least I believe I could trust Al Gore (eventhough his politics scare
me). I don’t think he has a disingenuous bone in his body.

On the other hand, I’ve never seen a speech made by the President in which
I believed what he had to say.

Again, it’s a sad day.

Aug 14 1998

And let your best be for your friend

You know you have a good friend when…

##A trying couple of months

A couple of months ago I wrote [[A Note to a Friend]]. Its been
a trying couple of months in a lot of ways
(see [[When Life Throws You a Curveball…]]). The relationship I have with
my wife has been strained. I thought my close friend hated me. My job was
in jeopardy. The {glosssub(“New House News”, “house”)} that I’m building
is running late.

The good news is that all of the above seems to be winding down in
positive ways.

##What doesn’t kill us

First off, let’s begin by saying that I believe my
relationship with my wife is improving daily and that our marriage is
getting much stronger (perhaps stronger than it’s been in years). We’ve
probably talked more about substantial things in the last two months than
we have in the rest of our marriage put together. At first the
conversations were hard (how to you communicate deep feelings with someone
that you’ve never really talked to at that level before). It was
particularly hard on my wife. In that way, she’s somewhat like me. It’s
hard for her to open up completely to someone (and based on some of our
conversations, I now know why). In terms of friendships, the results are
very different. She makes lots of casual friendship, but nothing really
substantive. I make very few friends, but the ones I do are special. Things
are still a little strained, but now we can talk about it without getting
hurt in the process. Communication is the key. I’m happy to say that my
wife is becoming a close friend.

It also looks as though my friendship is going to be salvaged, and (again)
perhaps stronger for the trials it went through. It turns out that my wife
wasn’t so much threatened by my friendship as she was jealous of it. Let me
explain. She wasn’t jealous in the sense that she thought I was steppin’
out on her behind her back, but rather that my friend and I have a lot in
common that Danae would never have an interest in. She was jealous that she
didn’t have those connections with me. This is something we can work on
together so that I can keep my friend and my wife doesn’t have to be
jealous. All of this understanding came about because my wife and I have
been communicating much better.

Thankfully, I still have a job. My company went through a 30% reduction in
force and a lot of good people were let go. I don’t know what I would have
done if I was one of those. Rumors had been flying for weeks concerning the
layoff.

It looks like we might be able to get into the new house by the end of
August! I just talked to the builder this morning and he said that
everything should be done by then, except maybe the conservation
inspection. That could get sticky, but he’s going to work with the
conservation committee to try and avoid any delays.

##All in all

All in all the stress that’s been plaguing my life is starting to subside.
Thankfully, things are working themselves out in positive ways. Sometimes
you need to go through the fire before you can fully appreciate what’s
being burned.